08.26.2024 : DAY ONE

how many of these do i need to have?

starting over: today is the day for change.

i know deep down inside that nothing is new.

that i am a fucking failure.

that it is all smoke and mirrors.

my body may look strong on the outside, if that even.

but the mri shows something else.

inside i have no control. inside i am weak. inside i am dying.

i always said before that i can control it, that i'm better than the quitters, that i am strong, that i am a man, that i don't need anything.

i talk like the victim all of the time. it is someone else that is forcing me. it's all bullshit and i know it. a story i tell myself.

if i really want to do this, it has to stop. perhaps that is the scariest thing of all. what if i truly explored creativity and gave it the attention it deserves?

so monday will be okay, then tuesday and wednesday. but thursday says:

got you, motherfucker. where you going?

i thought about getting a tattoo of the date that i quit. my arm would be completely black, covered in seemingly random numbers.

see you next time.